I knew it.Every pleasing moment of my stay here in the metro has indeed brought a massive impact in my life. I have been enjoying every single momentous second of it, like gulping a strong orange-flavored soda-in-can—feeling its sweet sharpness as it gush through my most sacred channels. But as I continue to try enjoy my life here, my heart goes on bleeding, bombarded with so much fear and perplexity, feeling like that soda I gulped a few hours ago; that the once sweet soda-in-can will just be nothing but an empty can in the end.
This will be the first time, as a month-old college student, that I will be writing an extremely poignant entry about what I’m really going through at the moment. Just this time… there will be no blissful chants and silly blabs…
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you should know by now that my mom and I have been the silliest rivals for like forever. It's like no matter how hard we try to mend whatever broken bond we have between us, we just keep on struggling. It's never-ending... It's stupid.. and oftentimes, it hurts.
When I think about what happened in the hospital, it just kills me softly. I have long been calloused by mom's hurtful words, but that incident was really unexpected of her. I knew she's capable of hurting me [though not physically]. Of showing to other people how I'm such a disappointment to her-- I was about to pursue BS Biology for college, intended as my pre-med course in UST, everything was all set.. I was just waiting for the school days to start. Then all of a sudden with my dad's company, before I knew it, I've already transferred in the college of AB and was about to pursue AB Legal Management. I was happy, at least, for I don't aim to be a doctor anymore.
I don't want to be a doctor because I've seen their lives. It's a sacred profession, but I never liked my future family to long for my presence. I want to give my will-be family the attention I hungered for so many years myself. I have promised myself not to let my will-be children experience what I’ve been through and going through.
Every time I’m with mom, and she’s asked about me—what course I’m taking up or why didn’t she send me to med school, I would often hear.. “Bio nay an eh. Lumipat sa AB parang tanga.” Or “ewan ko diyan, ayaw magdoctor.’’… These words… do these hurt me? Of course, but I’m pretty much used to it. I have a calloused heart.
Mom’s always telling me to prove myself to her. One time, she said right to my face, “patunuyan mong magiging successful ka. Legal Management? Anong mangyayari sayo?” … I don’t get it why she has always seen herself as superior to anyone, like everything around her is competition. Back in high school, even though she wouldn’t straightforwardly tell me to prove her I’m not weak, it always shows through her veiled words and actions. It came a time that I was really on it, I was in so much pressure that I was always trying to do my best and my best and my best alone until I exploded.
I got into a point that I couldn’t contain it anymore. I got burned out. I still had that good image in school—that Fiona girl who was always the intelligent, trustworthy, and responsible student. But they didn’t know the truth. I started to have a fair taste of teenage vices. I started going out with friends who influenced me badly. At home, I would always lock myself in my room and wouldn't eat. I neglected my schooling and oftentimes I won’t come to school. I was slowly killing my name and losing my reputation.
I didn’t want to blame my parents, or God, or myself,.. I wasn't really aware of where I'm coming from. All I knew back then was that I was not happy with my life. There were many instances that I thought and did stupid things. I would think of ending my life, thinking of creative ways to end my existence. But I Just couldn't really do it. By the end of the day, I would tell myself how foolish of me to think of doing such things.
I began thinking my grandparents. They were the ones who never left my side, they supported me, they filled the role of my parents, and they were the ones I knew I didn't want to lose whatever happens. I thought of their hardships just for me to be able to go to school. I thought of all the pains I caused them ever since. Realizing these things, I tried to pick up the pieces and strived hard again for them.. though I know I'm still shattered inside, I gained enough motivation just thinking of them.
I slowly tried to regain my name, the friends and respect I've lost. It was so difficult really at the beginning, and coz of that there were many times that I couldn't do anything but just break down and cry. I tried to be patient. I tried to be open. And I still hoped that someday Mom would be proud of me.
I thought I could finally have mom boast me with other people when I arrived here, but I was wrong. Instead, I got pushed away. She hated that I shifted course, she accused me of not letting her be a mom to me while I was just waiting for her to treat me like her own daughter, she didnt like my boyfriend just because of his looks, she judged him without knowing who Jeff is, she didnt understand that Jeff was the only person who could see me, who could understand me, and who I could tell my real pains, she made sumbat to my father that dad just got tired of her and I hated that she blames dad and my grandparents for whatever's happening to her, and she never listened to me. She never heard me for she didnt want to hear me.
To be honest, everything is so unclear to me. I am confused. And I really don't know what to do at the moment. My cousin asked me once what's that thing that would make me happy. I retort in tears saying I didn't knowa anymore. I didn't know anymore what would make me happy.
And that just make things seem worthless to me now. Everyday I always come with, what's the point... what's the point in doing what I'm doing at the moment. I thought I was happy. I thought I was right.
Yes, I admit...
I'm a broken person...
Happy Process
As a few-week-old college freshman, I'm now starting to get used to the life I have here. It's already July and can you just believe how swift and furious time is! It's July already and schoolwork's getting heavier
and heavier week after week. I know. This is college, and I'm still learning.
For the first few weeks, we were bombarded with loads of upperclassmen doing their most outrageous
bola just to recruit, us freshmen, in their own respective orgs and parties. The joy of being a goodie good freshmen--
hear the whatnots, enjoy the shopping. Ha-di-ha.
I joined two organizations; the
Musikat and the
Thomasinotaku. Musikat, an org which concentrates obviously on music, events, and such, and
Thomasinotaku, an organization for Anime, Manga, and Jappie-everything enthusiasts. I know joining two orgs plus this particular party in my college [which I wont tell for some reason] can possibly get me loaded for the whole semester. It won't be easy really, but thinking about the good things these two can give me,
I'm not resisting! Besides, who wouldn't be elated to meet people with same interests as yours, huh?
When I think about my standing in the life I have now, and all the things I've been through to get past through these college jitters, I learned and realized something:
That almost everything in my life is a beautiful continuous process. I could still remember how scared I was during the first days of my college. But as days pass by and I'm meeting more and more people and gaining more and more friends, things are slowly turning out fine-- better than what I expected!
Now, I enjoy staying in the university after class knowing that I have many friends there to bump into. My schoolmates and highschool batchmates from Dominican School are almost everywhere, I swear! And I so so SO love the feeling of bumping into them, seeing them with genuine smiles on their faces while exchanging our hellos and how-are-yous.
It makes me realize that being on our own now ain't a hindrance to keep the strong bond between us youngsters who learned our HS lessons, Friendship lessons, and Love lessons together as we grow up and mature in one educational institution.
Life has indeed move on. We're already in college, struggling for survival, [and graduation :P ] , and still here we are, happier than ever.
Schoolwork is just there like a poisonous, silent anaconda. It may attack you when you least expect it and if you don't act the way you're supposed to, you're doomed. For me, knowing that I have friends, and inspirations to do what I'm supposed to do, College, at this point, is an easy peasy task actually. It's a beautiful process I am so willing to devour. :)
