Life's Biggest Question


Sometimes I dare ask myself if I know who I really am-- sans the obvious facts, of course. It is a question that would take a lifetime or never even for someone to propose a well-scrutinized answer. Whenever I attend spiritual retreats, which brings me to different parts of Luzon, it seems it has been a custom for the master to offer activities to the retreatants that would help them discern their whole existence in life, their standing, their being-- yada yada, you know the stuff.

Sure. I mean, based on experience, it has helped. But never fully. It has only awakened you to more mature thinking, and has opened the door of added confusion to your already chaotic life. But don't get me wrong. It ain't a bad thing. Coz at least, you know that one purpose why you're here trudging the yellow brick road is to know yourself more, and slowly build a whole being that is rightfully yours.

I have thought of this during my stay in the city and all the while battling for my looming college schooling. When asked what course to get, I simply answer,. ''hindi ko pa po alam..''.. Which is true. I wouldn't answer them with something I am not entirely sure for fear I might change my mind any moment. I know I want to belong to the corporate world when I reach employment stage, I know I want to deal with papers rather than SARS-stricken people, I know I want to take the elevator to the 20th floor rather than take the ramp along with wheel-chaired patients to the second floor, I know I want to carry a laptop rather than a stethoscope to work. And I certainly know I want to be REALLY successful someday.

For now, all I want is to excel well in a flexible course that would assist me to my goals. UST fate would still be revealed tomorrow, and UST or not, College of Commerce or not, Business Ad or not, I want to make it big. My mom, of all the people in the world, seems to only see my weaknesses. I've never heard her commend to my capabilities and achievements, instead I hear the most unbelieving, anti-picker upper words. But see, even if it makes my two ears tomato red and hot, it's definitely all right. Why? Coz if it weren't for my mom telling me dispiriting stuff, I wouldn't get even more provoked to better what I deem best.

If there's one thing I surely know about myself, that is the attitude of showing rather than proving. See, why prove if you can just show and let them do the judging, harsh or ruthful.

I have been hitting the university for many times this month, and I am growing more at ease there each time I walk here and by. Before, I couldn't imagine myself rushing to Espana gate every morning. Now, I'm so expecting to rush in to the AB building past the two manong gwardiyas every so often.

I thought that it would be nice to go into the Tan Yan Kee building every now and then for org meetings, or for some audition I want to try in. Hm. UST Singers sounds cool, and I hear an audition going on for their upcoming European concert tour, I mean, that's way way WAY cool huh?. And of course, me qualifying? Haha. That's just TOO GOOD to be true.

See, I am now developing a stronger grip to the whole new reality of my living. In few years time, I'll be working my way to food, transpo, luho, and all that. In few years, I will still be going on searching for rightful answers to the BIG question. In few months, it's going to be a lot hectic again.

But I've got better understanding now, and nothing, hopefully, would scare the bejesus out of me anytime soon. I believe for what I know I am right now, and that's just the way it is. Ha-di-ha.

This for now. Til' then.