I'm confused. What?! am I? Uh yes. Yes?

I'm currently in a state of after-grad crisis. Right now, I still don't know what course to get in college, what university I'd choose should I passed both UP and UST, and where am I supposed to reside after graduation.

I know. I know. Some plans were already made. Isn't it that I'm supposed to take up Nursing as preparatory for Medicine, ditch the condominium Mom's offering me, rent a unit somewhere near that university and have Erika as my roommate, take over my life as a college student, and be a jobless sovereign kolehiyala? But for one nanosecond, am I really sure about these? Definitely not. For once, I can't imagine myself donning an all-white uniform from head to toe and washing down some old man's full-of-stinking-shit ass. I can't imagine myself walking down along some hospital's drug-induced corridor with clipboard on one arm or pushing some broncho victim's wheelchair. I don't have anything against nurses, just that... NURSING IS SO NOT ME.

But nursing is the only option I got. There are many pre-med courses out there but almost all of them aren't as generously-paying as in Nursing. At least in Nursing daw, you'll have a ninety-five over one hundred chance of getting a humble job abroad. Anyhoo.... Pre-Med... I heard that. So that means I'm taking up Medicine anytime soon after taking up my pre-Med course. So Meggie, you wanna be a doctor? Again, winsey, I don't know.

Taking up Nursing and Medicine is altogether a major indecision. I'm planning to take up Nursing because I'm planning to take up Medicine. But the way I'm frustrated over Nursing, is only 30 percent LESS frustrated I am in Medicine. Take this: Just because my mom's a doctor people expect me to follow my mother's footsteps and be a doctor as well. Hell, I want to be a professional but I don't know if Medicine's the right one for me. Sure, I am considering Medicine, in fact I'm planting that in my mind.. medicine.. medicine.. oh medicine..OMG-- detached, replant, detached the second time, replant.. whatever.. Problem, amigos, is that I can't seem to find my heart in giving prescriptions to some intoxicated-looking god-so-ill woman or slicing up someone's tummy to take that screwdriver he accidentally swallowed last year out [okay, that's gross]. I don't know. I'm scared that when I'm already there I'd realize I'm not happy, that I regret being there, and of course, who wants regrets? Definitely not me.

Last Monday, I got to tag along with Dad at Kennedy Global in Makati. I stayed there in their office since the big bosses were not around. Dad was supposed to be with them that week but since I'd be arriving, he chose to spend the week with me na lang. haha. Anyway, I stayed there for like five hours and dang did I feel so ever comfy. I mean, I enjoyed being in "an office". It's like, I belong to the corporate world.

I remember the assessment test we took in Newton last summer. The results I got were pretty amazing. It says there that I am an ENTJ [I forgot what this means] and that the best career for me is being a Chief Executive Officer. Other than being a CEO, there includes other careers, which entails professionalism like being a lawyer, doctor, etc. The first time I got the results I remember being so flabbergasted for a second or two and then laugh nonstop at it. I was like, "Come on, these results are crazy!". I was in-denial of the fact that what's written on that paper was really what they have assessed in me.

From that moment on, all I could answer when asked what course I'm gonna take in college, I'd answer "NURSING!" followed by a flat.. "...err... I'm not sure... Oh-mi-God, I DON'T KNOOOW!!!". I find this irritating because it puts too much pressure on my already pressured and constipated brain. I'm tired of brain-farting all my anxieties that I just want to decide what I really want right now.

Anyway, that same Monday-- later in the night while eating at Chilli's in Greenbelt, my cousin Kathleen exclaimed she's confused right now. She's a graduating Nursing student, and like what I'm predicting I might feel four years from now, she ain't happy. If asked what course she would have taken, she answered business admin. Yeah, like what I have in mind.

Point is, I don't want to pursue something I know I won't enjoy. Isn't it that they say that you can only find real happiness and success if you enjoy what you're doing? What if I wouldn't find that real joy? What would become of me? Oh God. I don't know.

I don't want to be an ambivalent little woman anymore. I want to be someone who has certain plans for the future. No, not long-term plans or goals. Just plans to what would be my next step is. And after my high school graduation this March. What's next?

I'm confused. Really confused.


*****

Ironic

Dad showed me this view from the same building:

I found this extremely interesting. Look, along with the fast rising high-rise buildings in Manila, the squatters seem to increase and increase. So when you go to Makati area, don't ever think that our country is fluorishing just because of the splendid sight of buildings everywhere. Do not be fooled.

I want to hear your opinions.

*******

Anyway borate,

Someone sent me this story last night:

A couple was on a motorcycle. The girl noticed that the motorcycle was on a high speed

Girl: Baby, slow down. I'm scared!

The boy gave him a knowing smile and said,

Boy: I'll slow down if you tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you!

Boy: Okay, then give me a big bear hug

The girl gave him a big hug from behind.

The boy smiled.

Boy: One last favor, can you wear my helmet for me? It's irritating.

The girl took off his helmet and wore it.

NEWS NEXT DAY: A motorcycle hit a building last night. Only one survived. The motorcycle was found with break problems.

TRUTH: in the middle of the road, the boy realized that the break was not working. He wanted to hear his girl tell him she love him, and feel her hug for one last time. He wanted her to be saved that's why he gave her his helmet. Even if it meant risking his own life.

Then I sent the story to Dad and these were his replies [I didn't expect him to react so much]:

Dad: tanga pala ung bf eh! D ihinto niya, mag engine break siya, pareho sana clang buhay and he cud have shown and proven his luv more when both of them were alive! [hehe]

Megs: HAHA. Woo. Wag ka highblood. Hehe

Dad: Ang tanga talaga ng bf! Cant imagine how dumb he is! Shet!

Morning, the next day, at Yahoo! Messenger:

Gerald decano: mooorning!
Megs `: good!
gerald decano: until now i still cant imagine how the bf decided just to die like that!
gerald decano: the dumbest love story i ever heard!
Megs `: masyado ka namang na-carried away dun!
Megs `: hahaha!
Megs `: You talaga, you're so KJ!
gerald decano: ongae
gerald decano: tanga kc masyado
Megs `: That's the sweetest/most touching love story I've ever heard!
gerald decano: ngee
Megs `: Ghash, can't you see? The guy risked his own life for his girl..
gerald decano: he didnt even bother to find a way for both of them to live
gerald decano: he can break naman eh using the engine
gerald decano: its a DEFEATIST attitude
Megs `: well, maybe he doesn’t know how to "engine break" . HAHA.
gerald decano: kaya nga tanga eh
gerald decano: in the 1st place he shud hav checked 1st the bike if its safe
Megs `: what's tanga with that? inosente! haha.
Megs `: ghad! tama bang gawan ng buong story. hahaha
gerald decano: tanga cos he let himself to die
Megs `: GET OVER IT AND JUST APPRECIATE THE STORY, OKAY?!
gerald decano: i really cant accept it
Megs `: he didn't let himself die! uhmm. there was only one helmet kasi!
gerald decano: motor lang un, they're not speeding like 100kph naman
Megs `: how can you be so sure they were not?
gerald decano: he can anytime slow down and find a safe spot
Megs `: haha
Megs `: question: can u slow down a vehicle if the break isn't working?
gerald decano: OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\
gerald decano: its only the break that aint working
Megs `: SORRY. MY bad. hahaha./ pag natuto akong mag-drive, that's the time I'll agree with you, technically.

Yes, toodles, IT'S GENETIC.

Hahaha.