Roller Coaster Ride

It's been hell of a school week-- days passed almost in haste, and yet there were still mega-madcap events that took advantage of my nice-and-slow pace. It's been a roller caster ride, really. And I'm sensing that my security belt's starting to unbolt-- for now I feel like an upturned wimp, clutching to my cart's metal bar as my limp body kisses the airstream.

It was Monday when I found myself in total misfortune and jeopardy. Everything went the way I hated them to be, I woke up pretty late, I wasn't able to make certain requirements on time, my tests never got close to perfect scores, I was on a high"red alert", I forgot my scientific calculator, I forgot this, I forgot that...

Briefly, last Monday was one of those days that I really could say... "Ang malas-malas ng araw ko!"

And freaky Monday made my reading vision hazy as well-- I was just about disoriented, as you might say. I was whitewashed by wooziness and climate alterations [achoo?]. Aack. And all because of a torn contact lens.

Can you believe it?! I was about to run through a killer smile in front of my dresser's mirror that Monday morning when I saw my poor right lens on my dresser table, dried-up and tattered. I didn't know how or why it happened, so I just thought of how stupid I was to let such disaster happen.

Damn. Do you know how contact lenses cost nowadays?! Ugh! For crying out loud!

On a lighter note, I already talked to Dra. Arenas, my opthal, and she said she'll replace at once the contact lens that got ripped apart and I'm gonna see her tomorrow for a check-up appointment. Boo! I survived the week! Hah! Beat that.

But I think the week worsened my eyes' myopia.

Anyway, come Tuesday, as far as I could remember, the only thing that got into my Brain Access Memory was it was the day when Mrs. Sarmiento asked Gelleene and I to exchange seats. Hah! I was frankly furious at first, but as I get all used to my new "surroundings", I'm finally falling in love with it. Eka's in front of me now, which is a total yahoo and the boys, Marrion and Richmond, never fail to crack me up with their daily mocks.

Wednesday-- the hilarity day. Sir Greg gave his quiz Mr-Montoy-like, and I got two mistakes. BUMMER. You know how I always overreact on things. Call me weird or whatever, I feel really really down when I don't get perfect scores-- be it on my quizzes, homeworks, or just plain seatworks. Ugh. I am hell frustrated and distressed, and I don't care how people would react on that.

Anyhow, English period was fun as well. People came close to farting shit for laughing nonstop. Hah! This justifies the point that Mrs. Sleepy ain't Mrs. Sleepy anymore.

I love 4-St. Dominic. Ha-ha!

Then Mister Thursday, the iyakan blues day. Funny how we were laughing nonstop one day then suddenly almost everyone has gotten melodramatic. Cham began crying first when break time hit the clock that afternoon for some reason I didn't know at first since I wasn't able to go over and talk to her since there were a lot of people surrounding her and I was getting all too emotional as well that I couldn't find the urge to comfort her which made me even sadder.

All. Too. Emotional.

Right. The whole thing was overcrowding my brain that attending my Physics class was the last thing I ever wanted to do at that time. Reality trapped me with an opaque blanket at that point in time that my thoughts were cornered with thoughts and I began thinking how other people, particularly my old friends, think that I've already changed-- on my part, why are they afraid of change? People change. No matter how hard they try not to, they will. And I am a person who welcomes changes in life-- and I don't stick with the usuals. People who can't accept change are people who do not know how to handle their own lives. And I stand on that.

I also thought of this certain girl in class who keeps on avoiding me up to this time. Damn it. I never did anything to her, as far as I'm concerned. I tried to be someone for her but it didn't work since she tends to walk away from us. From me. And I don't even know why. I already prompted chances where we could talk and she can open up her side but it appears like she never gave a damn to those chances. She is not something for me but someone. But I guess she'll never realize that coz she’s too blinded by her loss of massive trust in me.

If there's anything that I wouldn't ever anticipate in this world, that is, dishonesty-slash-deception.

Anyway, another thought was this whole academic stuff. I don't know. I really am frustrated and I'm afraid i'm dead desperate. Why? It's because I want to prove something-- not to myself, not to my family, but to other people. That yes, I slipped last year and found it difficult to stand up again. But here I am now-- may seatbelt at helmet na! [hehehe]. I also couldn't help but think all the killer stresses that I was and am feeling. The real thing's already taking its toll and I hope I could get through this.

All right, so I really was thinking a lot of things at that time within that realism blanket. When it all became transparent, I started crying. Then I sang Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry-- there's something in this song that beyond doubt brushes away my tears. Then I thought I wanted to release all that was inside of me. So I went out and started hitting the wall as hard as I could. Next thing I knew, nasira ko na pala yung isang side. Tsk. It was of use, though. My burden got lighter and I began feeling okay.

And that wasn't me. Me getting all fired up? Me getting all that? Me hitting walls? Come on. I wasn't being myself at that time. Gaaah!

Anyway, Erika also began crying, and then Ariane, and then Minette, and then the others. I now find it weird since most of us broke down at the same time all for different reasons. And how everything turned to be all okay? Well, I think it's the bond that binds us all as one. :P

Miss Friday-- today.

I am so upset. I even told people I wanna die but I realized later on that thinking of injuring myself won't do any good and it’s something one must let alone to do.

Pathetic.

The day got all ruined when we were about to wrap and finish the whole bulletin board thing. There was a throbbing twinge inside me that I still find tremendously odd up to now. They were happy, and I feel so little. He was praising her. And I was just the old classmate. Damn. I hate this.

One thing I don't understand: Why did I cry? Did I cry because of him?

Damn. Damn. Damn.

If it wasn't for Erika, Ivan, Jazel, and Erik, I wouldn’t be able to release what's holding me back. Thank you guys.

Thank you Cham, Thank you Anaw, Thank you Eka. Special Mention. Ha-ha!

Thank you Kathleen for you-know-what. Hahaha. :)

By the way, there was something that Rachelle, my kafatid, said that made a great impact in me.

"Let them be."